The concept of marriage has been heavily scrutinized over the past 20 years, but no matter what you personally believe, the basic ideas remain true. One definition states that marriage is the combination or mixture of two or more elements. When you combine elements in chemistry and study the behavior, you notice that the elements begin to take on the properties of one another to form a new substance with shared properties. This is also what happens in a marriage.
We take on the values, beliefs, and lifestyles of our spouses to form a new identity. This means that if one of you was a parent, then you become parents. If one of you was deeply in debt, then you are both in debt. And, if one of you had a significant disability, then you both get to bear the burdens of that disability. While our roles and responsibilities within each of those examples might vary, there is no escaping the fact that when we get married, we take on a shared identity.
LeeAnn mentioned in her recent post, My New Normal, that her life was turned upside down when we first got married. All newlyweds have to make some adjustments to their daily routine, but with my disability, it was so much more than just a schedule. What she went through in the “honeymoon” period was very similar to what I went through in the early days after my accident. She learned that being married to a quadriplegic meant that she lost the ability to be fully independent. She found out that people tend to look at you differently in public when you are accompanied by a man in a wheelchair. And, she discovered that it takes some time to get used to having people in and out of our home at odd hours.
Even though LeeAnn had been married before and she had children, she had no idea how different it is to be a spousal caregiver. It wasn’t exactly easy for me to adjust to the role of stepfather, but at least I had the luxury of role models. There are men on every street that have become a stepfather and there are many great books available to prepare you. There are not a lot of thirty somethings out there that become spousal caregivers and there are very few books to prepare you. Sure, a lot of employers offer employee assistance programs (EAP) to help you manage difficult family situations, but they focus on resources for disabled children and caring for aging parents. There is hardly any mention of what to do or where to turn when it’s your spouse with the disability.
Are you going through a trial that makes you feel overwhelmed or isolated?
It was a difficult adjustment for us because marriage meant two very different things at first. To me, it was exciting and comforting to know that I had found a companion and I wasn’t going to end up alone for the rest of my life. While LeeAnn was happy to have a companion, she was surprised with just how much responsibility it was and all of the additional demands placed on her. It probably goes without saying, but it had to feel overwhelming at times to be a wife, caregiver, and mother, plus have a career and household to manage.
What have you gone through that you can share with others?
It’s one thing to be married for awhile with established norms when a catastrophe strikes and you work through the challenges together. In those instances, you are both in it from the start and you find your new normal together. In our case, I had a 10 year head start to get used to being in a wheelchair. I had already established a new normal. I was used to the way people look at me and treat me in public settings. LeeAnn was pretty much figuring it out on her own. I could only help by reassuring her that it was okay to grieve. She needed to go through the emotional process as if she were there in the beginning. She had to find her new normal almost in isolation and she needed my support and understanding.
At four years of marriage, we are still just getting started. We are not perfect, we have our ups and downs just like everyone else. We know that there are people going through more difficult trials and there are people who have suffered through so much more than we can imagine. That’s why we need to share our story in hopes that it will inspire others to do the same. Are you going through a trial that makes you feel overwhelmed or isolated? What have you gone through that you can share with others? We would love to know your story, so please write to us and let us know more about you.