This month marks 20 years in a wheelchair. I was paralyzed when my neck was broken in an accident at the age of 20. This article reflects on things that have occurred since. Over the years I’ve experienced my share of low points, many of my own making. I have also been blessed with incredible and sometimes unbelievable high points. And through it all, I have accumulated some advice that could apply to anyone, but definitely applies to those living a life with a disability.
Low Moments from 20 Years in a Wheelchair
I wish that I could skip over this section, but low moments serve to shape our character. These times of my life are reminders that I’m human and make a lot of mistakes. They also demonstrate that as wonderful as my family is, we have our skeletons just like everyone else. So I must take time to share some things that did not go well over the last 20 years.
1. Undergrad behavior
I encountered the Holy Spirit during my accident, but I did not turn my attention to seeking God’s will in my life until much later. When I returned to school in Athens, I also returned to a wayward life full of parties, drugs, and fornication. In doing so, I missed a lot of opportunities to serve others and grow spiritually. In fact, there were several occasions when I treated people downright awful. I was hurting people who were there to help me. It was wrong and I’ll probably never be able to make it up to them.
2. Relationships before LeeAnn
Dating before LeeAnn was a struggle for me, but not just because of being disabled. Sure, it took a special person to want to date a guy confined to a wheelchair and paralyzed from the neck down. And I know it’s every girl’s dream to land a guy who can’t wipe his own bottom or control his bladder.
While I was great at using these excuses for failed relationships, there was a much deeper problem. The real problem was that I hated having those traits and it was easy to spin any conflict back to those things. There was never going to be a fair fight in any conflict. I had to learn that nobody was going to accept traits that I was unwilling to accept about myself…nor should they. Selfish and needy are not attractive characteristics.
3. My parents’ divorce
The week of 9/11 was a horrifying week for many people. I remember sitting in my hotel room (long story for another day) getting ready for class and watching the events of that day unfold. My jaw was on the floor as the towers crumbled and fell.
That same week I got a call from home and I was informed that my father was having an affair with an under age girl. This led to many other revelations and it soon became clear that my parents would be divorced and my father would be facing time in prison.
Although I didn’t personally know anyone who died in the events on 9/11, I knew that much like the victims’ families, my life would never be the same and it was entirely out of my hands. To this day, I still don’t know which events of that week came as a bigger shock to me. I do know that I was angry and ready to drive my wheelchair through the wall. My father has served his sentence and our family has moved beyond these events. Nevertheless, I went through a swirl of emotions over the next few years that I’ll eventually write about and this was certainly a difficult time for my entire family.
4. Feeling overlooked and passed over
I think everyone has interviewed for a job and felt like they nailed it, only to hear later that someone else was chosen for the position. It’s only natural to wonder why you were not selected. You replay the interview in your mind and over analyze every response you gave to figure out where you went wrong.
When that doesn’t give you any answers, you start to wonder what else it could have been. Was it something I wore? Was it my cologne? Did I have an interaction with anyone else in the building that was unpleasant? And, I hate to admit this, but after 20 years in a wheelchair, I still can’t help thinking…was it my wheelchair? Did they think I wasn’t capable or competent? Did I get overlooked because of my disability? Am I getting passed over because they don’t want to provide benefits or maybe they fear I’m an HR nightmare waiting to happen?
I like to assume the best of people, so it drives me crazy to have these thoughts. I wish that my instincts would jump straight to thinking: ‘I’m sure it was a deep pool of very qualified candidates. The person who was chosen shined so bright over me that I should look to be mentored by them in order to learn and grow. Then next time, I’ll be the one to shine.’ Perhaps someday I will get to this level of maturity, but it’s still a work in progress.
5. Bad financial decisions
Nobody is immune to making bad choices with money. I have made plenty of my own poor financial decisions. Most of which, I had fully justified in my mind as good ideas at the time.
I took out loans for the first two years of college (which I should have applied to have cancelled right after the accident, but that’s hindsight). I borrowed money to buy an accessible van while I was still in school and living on social security. After I graduated, I bought a house. Of course, houses need furniture and other nice stuff, so I ran up a bunch of credit card debt. I was on the expressway to financial ruin.
One day something clicked and I realized that I made too much money to be living paycheck to paycheck. Yet, there I was, one layoff away from bankruptcy. I thank God for helping me see that before it was too late. More on this later.
High Points of 20 Years in a Wheelchair
20 years in a wheelchair and life with paralysis has not been all bad. In fact, I would argue, and often do, that I have accomplished more in life than I ever would have done as an able-bodied person. As I look back over the years, there are some things that really went well.
1. Growth in faith
Hands down the greatest thing to come from my accident has been the relationship that I now have with God. I have grown to trust him in every aspect of my life and he has never let me down. I haven’t always gotten my way, but as I have come to learn over the years, God had a better plan all along. To paraphrase what I’ve heard another wise man say, ‘I met God when I was a young boy, but I’ve gotten to know God as he has continued to shape the man inside of me.’
2. Marriage & Family
I was blessed to have a loving and supportive family at the time of my accident. My parents were there for me when I was injured. We had extended family help us in various ways to get us through those first few critical years. Both of my brothers and my sister have all come alongside to care for me in ways that most adult siblings would never even consider doing.
All of this has only gotten better in marriage with LeeAnn. She has accepted me into her life, even with the disability and all of the challenges that come with it. I have two extremely gifted step kids and in-laws who I enjoy spending time with just as much as my biological family. We are not perfect by any means, but I can’t imagine having it any other way.
3. Everyone who has helped me along the way
If I tried to name all of the people who have helped me over the past 20 years in the chair, then I would be writing for the next 10 and this article would never get published. There just are not enough people in this world like the Tonya’s, Jodi’s, Sheila’s, Mo’s, Mandy’s, Mike’s, Cassandra’s, Colleen’s, Rose’s, Adam’s, Rachel’s, Matt’s, and so many more names.
These are people who see a need and step in to meet that need on a regular basis. They are the kind of people who are willing to continue providing their services while they wait an entire year to get paid; folks that show up every morning at 5am to help you get ready for work; and the type of people who leave their families to stay with you while you set up residence in a new town, knowing that when they do return home, they’ll be out of a job.
These are the kinds of people that our world desperately needs more of. I consider myself to be very blessed to have met and gotten to know so many like them. None of the things that I have accomplished over last 20 years would have been possible without them.
4. Finishing undergrad
We live in a time that views a college education as more of a right than a privilege. Families in the US have more disposable income and borrowing money has become easier than it has ever been in the history of the modern world.
However, where I come from, college was not the next step for most kids after high school. Neither of my parents were fortunate enough to finish college, so it wasn’t a family tradition. We were a blue collar family from a blue collar village in podunk Ohio.
Finishing a bachelor’s degree at a four year university would have been a tremendous achievement without a spinal cord injury. To do be able to do it as the only student in my class in a wheelchair made it that much more of an accomplishment.
5. Career
After college, I spent 13 years climbing the corporate ladder at JPMorgan Chase & Co. It was challenging work and I was able to consistently exceed expectations. To be honest, I even exceeded my own expectations. I was either promoted or asked to lead new projects that led to a promotion every two to three years. By the time I left, I had made Vice President. I worked with some extremely talented people from all over the world. My crowning achievement was building a center of excellence for mobile application testing from the ground up.
I really enjoyed the work, but it was grueling and demanded a lot of extra time. So, I chose to leave this career because I wanted more quality time at home with my family. I now work for a much smaller financial institution as a specialist in quality assurance. The life balance I have is a huge blessing. God has also opened doors in my current role, so I’m confident that when ready, the corporate ladder will still be an option.
6. Grad school
In 2007 I decided that getting a bachelor’s degree wasn’t challenging enough. So naturally, I took the GMAT and enrolled in the Working Professionals MBA program at The Ohio State University. That’s just a fancy way of saying that I really am nuts.
I thought it was a good idea to work 50-60 hour weeks and throw an extra 20 hours of school work and classes on top. Oh yeah, I also had a 45 minute commute and my healthcare consumes at least 20 hours every week. God definitely carried me through those three years.
7. Stewardship and legacy
The last 7 or 8 years have taken me in a different direction. I have been spending a lot more time reading the Bible and allowing God to develop me into the man that he wants me to become. Two of the topics that have really resonated with me are stewardship and legacy.
A steward is someone who you trust to watch over and manage your possessions in your absence. Biblical stewardship is recognizing God as the ultimate creator and provider. That means everything we have was His first and He has trusted it to us. This includes our talents, possessions, and time. We are responsible for watching over and managing all of it until he returns or calls us home.
Stewardship even includes the relationships with the people who God puts in our lives. That’s where the legacy part comes into focus. The legacy that we leave behind will largely depend on how well we steward God’s people.
This is still a work in progress for me, but a huge step in the right direction was in 2018. LeeAnn and I made our last consumer debt payment, completing a 4.5 year quest to pay off almost $300,000 in debt. It is our belief that we changed our family tree on that day.
Advice & Things To Do Different
Over the last 20 years with my wheelchair I have learned that anything is possible. It really is true that wisdom comes with experience. But wisdom does no good if isn’t shared with others. So, here is some advice to any 20 something that’s just getting started, living with a disability, or not, for how to make the next 20 years successful.
1. Network of determined disabled people
One of the things that I wish I had done was develop relationships with more like-minded people who were experiencing many of the same challenges. The one mistake for going back to OU to finish my undergrad was being the only student on campus in a wheelchair.
Don’t get me wrong, I had great friends, but I didn’t have a community of self motivated wheelchair users to be a part of. This community is vital when you’re newly disabled and trying to figure out the world. You need people who can share with you what they have learned with experience.
Be careful, though, just like able-bodied people, not every community of disabled people will be healthy. Attitudes are contagious, so avoid bad attitudes as much as possible. Do everything you can to find self-motivated people with positive attitudes.
2. Be kind and generous with others
No matter who you are, you will need someone to physically help you at some point in your life. The only exceptions to this rule are those who die a sudden and tragic death. Be nice to people, some day one of them just might be wiping your ass. You would not want them to be confused as to which end is up.
3. Avoid debt
Thanks to the effects of compound interest, every dollar that you invest today is likely to become many dollars in the future. The same concept applies double to debt. Every dollar that you borrow today will become many dollars that you will not have in the future.
The best way to avoid debt is to be intentional about the way you manage money. Most of it boils down to behavior, so have some self control. Lastly, if you’re going to steal from your future in order to pay for your past, make real sure that it’s worth it.
4. Know your priorities and take care of yourself
For me, priorities go in this order: God first, marriage second, then comes my family, which is followed by everything else like friends and career. Many of these overlap with each other and that’s good.
My life feels completely out of sorts when I get my priorities out of order. It takes a healthy mind and discipline to live out your priorities. You have to be willing to say no to yourself and be willing to serve others.
That is why it’s important to take care of yourself. You can serve others much more effectively when you’re in good shape spiritually, mentally, and physically.
5. Stay positive
Remember, attitudes are infectious! This is especially true for those of us that tend to draw attention from others. If you’re living a blessed life with a disability, people are going to be watching you. A positive outlook and a joyful disposition will bring onlookers a lot of hope.
6. Never give up
One thing that I have learned in 20 years of life in a wheelchair is that you will come face-to-face with challenges that seem insurmountable. There will be a little voice inside your head telling you that there is no way that you can overcome what you’re facing. Do not listen to that voice! It’s a liar and it will hold you back from accomplishing what God has planned for you.
Press forward and keep moving. The light at the end of the tunnel will eventually get bigger and once you get to the other side it will have been worth the struggle. Never give up.
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